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Well, it has been hellish.  Today, Tuesday, is the tenth day in a row I have managed to stay sober.  Now it may not sound like a big accomplishment.  And in all reality, I guess it isn't really...  But it feels like a big deal to me.  Only because I haven't had this many days consecutively sober, in I don't know how long.  I wish this made me happier.  Really the only reason I have gone this many days, well, aside from the fact that I was broke 8 out of 10 of those days, I am trying to clean up to pass a drug test for a new job.  Otherwise, I don't know that I would have been able to stay clean this long.  I think about dope constantly.  All day long.  It comes out in most conversations I have with people.  I am sure people I talk to, are sick of hearing me talk about it by now.  But I can't help it.  It is what consumes my mind, so it is hard not to talk about it.  The only time I don't think about it, is when I am on it.  Then I don't have to think about anything.  I get to just relax, and enjoy not thinking.  I get so sick of dreaming about drugs, daydreaming about them, thinking about them, talking about them.  Arghh! Fuck that shit.

My doctor thinks I could be narcoleptic.  Because I fall asleep randomly, and at times I have a really really hard time staying awake.  No matter what I am doing, I could be working, driving, standing, and I just start to nod like I am on dope.  But I'm sober.  So at work last Thursday, I started nodding.  My boss came up right behind me, and yelled my name.  Totally startling me.  I turned around, and said "What?!" he asked me if I was OK, I said yeah, I am just really tired all of the sudden.  So he sent me home.  Told me I couldn't return to work, unless I had a doctor's note clearing me to come back.  So I couldn't get an appointment Friday, so I had the whole day off.  I couldn't get an appointment until 3:45pm on Monday, so I had all of Monday off as well.  Today was my first day back, and I got written up for that falling asleep incident on Thursday.  Oh well.  Fuck him, and fuck the whole company!  I am trying to get a new job anyways, so hopefully it will only be a few more weeks that I am stuck inside this retarded cable warehouse!  I am still waiting in limbo, for the guy at the hospital to call me, and let me know when I can go in for my physical/drug test.  I'd like to say, once I take that drug test, that I will remain sober, but I highly doubt it.  At this point, I would even settle for just a little weed.  If I could smoke weed on a daily basis, I know that would help take the edge off, to the point where I might not need to do dope.  Right now though, it is easier for me to get dope, than it is to get good weed.  I won't waste money on shitty weed, that is pointless.  The good shit is harder to find these days.  And I don't go up to Milwaukee as much as I used to, cause out there is where I can get the good shit pretty easily.  But driving all the way out there, just for some weed is pretty silly.  I need a delivery service.  I need something, something to take the edge off.  And the xanax I take daily, just isn't enough anymore.  My doc prescribed the xanax, to try to prevent me from doing dope.  It isn't that great of a substitute.  However, if I take both, although it is highly dangerous, and I don't recommend it, it feels fucking amazing!  I told myself I would stop doing that though, because it is pretty unhealthy, and stupid.  But I have never been accused of being smart.  Life is too stressful without a vice.  That is kind of why the idea of staying sober, isn't very attractive.  That, and the constant state of depression I find myself dwelling in.

For now, I have to continue to stay sober.  But as the days pass, ever so slowly, it gets harder.  The voice in my head, that tells me to get high, starts screaming louder and louder, until I can't ignore it anymore.  And the only way to shut that voice up, is to get high.  I have a headache from that voice screaming all day and night.  I get no relief while staying sober.  It is starting to drive me further insane.  Exactly what I don't need at this point in time.  Ten days and counting...